MonkeyNaut's Mailbox
(seriously, we really do get mail)
The letters are all real.  In some cases profanity has been edited but we make sure to leave enough in there so you can figure it out. 
We also add the phrase "Dear MonkeyNaut," if necessary. 
Otherwise, the casual observer would think our readers LACK ANY SEMBLANCE OF FREAKIN' ETIQUETTE!
IF IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR  ENOS tim_...@msn.com:
Greetings!

I am not sure how to make this long story short... but here goes.

I am a 52 year old school teacher (Radio and Television Broadcasting) and I am building a full sized Star Trek universe shuttlecraft.  You could call it my "midlife crisis"... I can't afford the convertible, not near enough to water for a boat and my back yard is not big enough for a runway.  Ultimately this shuttlecraft will be one super duper video game.  I said it was a "Star Trek universe" shuttlecraft because it is not a replica of any particular ship from TOS, the movies, books or otherwise.  It just exists in the same "story line".  Second... to get this little project going I began by writing a "legend" for the ship.  How it came into being... all that kind of stuff.  A few days ago I stumbled across your web site and found "The Space Monkey's Prayer"... A perfect intro to the legend!  You see my ship is named "EnoS III" for the first American "space monkey"... Enos! 

I would like your permission to quote the "prayer" in any publications about the "EnoS III" and have it inscribed as the "motto" on the ship's dedication plaque.  I would be happy to give you appropriate credit.

T. Renshaw.

MonkeyNaut responds:
Um, we are honored but seriously, what kind of accounting is this where you can't afford a convertible but a spaceship is completely within your grasp.
i am a monkey. this is my home. what's your problem? SLEEPLESS IN MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO
"Bryan Roberts" blnkk182 writes:
"Dear MonkeyNaut"
i think your gay??

MonkeyNaut responds:
Dear Bryan Roberts,
Was this a question?? Or can you just not make up your mind about what you wanted to say?? If you don't know if you think we're gay, how the hell should we know if you think we're gay?? Do you think we're mind readers??  Or is this the way you cruise??  We think you're bi-curious??  We're cool with that, if you are??  Let us know that works out for you?? We really care??
ain't it cool news sucks. harry knowles is fat. space monkey movie reviews
Space Monkey Journal
DR. PHIL HAS RECEIVED YOUR E-MAIL
drphil.com@drphil.com writes:
"Dear MonkeyNaut”
Thank you for your e-mail. Your message is important to us, and we will certainly read it.  However, due to the volume of e-mail messages we receive every day, we cannot guarantee that you'll receive a personal response.  Feel free to check out our Frequently Asked Questions for additional information.
www.drphil.com

Thanks again for writing to us, and for your interest in the show!

Sincerely,
The Dr. Phil Staff
www.DrPhil.com

MonkeyNaut responds:
Dear The Dr. Phil Staff
Thanks for your prompt response.  Your link to Dr Phil's FAQ's really hit the spot.

God Bless You Sirs
send us mail. see it on this page.you know the drill
NOW IT'S A PROBLEMO
"Doris " DorDew1 writes:
Dear Dr. Phil:
I missed your show where you were going to say that you had a someone new in your family....please explain again for me.
Thanks!
Doris??

MonkeyNaut responds:
Dear Doris,
Um, once again. WE ARE NOT DR. PHIL! WHICH PART OF WE ARE NOT DR. PHIL DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND. "MonkeyNaut"!!!
Did you not even read the name of who you were emailing!
FANDOM
EdreaA writes:
"Dear MonkeyNaut"
do you have a little monkeynaut fan club? how can i become a member? do i have to pay dues, or do you pay me?

MonkeyNaut responds:
Dear EdreaA
While we may occasionally pay for sex, we don't currently pay for fans. Long term, we feel it's better for the dignity of all involved.  Right now, The MonkeyNaut Fan Club would be a cold, lonely place for you to go but thanks for asking.  If you know someone else who would like to be a fan please sell them out to us.

If you're in desperate need of a place that will take your money in exchange for fraternity, may we suggest the Church of Scientology.  That L. Ron Hubbard was a real card. While you're there say "Hello" to Juliet Lewis for us.

Best of luck
Duke B. Monkey (MonkeNaut)


PS. Since our original response, we have create a little corner of cyberspace. You can join at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MonkeyNautGroup/ or see our link to your left.
ooooh. spooky....
AGAINST ALL ODDS, WE TOUCH A LIFE
Joyce6228 writes:
"Dear MonkeyNaut"
About Your Show...

I enjoy your show so much and have had experiences in nearly every subject you have shown.  The overweight kids hit the hardest.
I have 65 years old and to this day, I can still hear my mother telling me I should not be so fat.  While she was baking cakes, pies and making huge gigantic meals for my father and brother who had no weight problems in those days.  I dieted, lost, gaines an addiional 10 lbs. Dieted, lost gained, took pills(NOW ILLEGAL) lost a lot of weight.  I now weigh 235, am 5'5" tall, I am an RN who still works full time to support and 81 year old husband.  I look in the mirror and I see a 120 beautiful woman, with pure white hair, beautiiful skin, looking about 45 years of age.  3 wonderful children,8 georgeous grandchildren.  I feel good about myself because I knew that I would not raise my children and way I was raised, would love them no matter what they decided to do, who they decided to marry.  I grew up very strong and feel very good about my life and where I am.  I only wish more people could live, laugh, love and just be happy.  I treat people the way I wish to be treated, with kindness, generosity, res;ect and love.  Unfortunately it doesn't always come out that way, but I will not give up.

MonkeyNaut responds:
Dear Joyce6228,
Thank you very much for your moving email.
Despite the typos and the apparent lack of narrative structure, we figure there is something very inspiring in there.
I guess the main question is WHO DID YOU MEAN TO WRITE THIS TO? 
If you wouldn't mind getting back to us on that, we would be happy to forward it on.

PS
We like shows about Fat Kids, too.  Peace out.
Be a FOM. or not, it's up to you. don't say you weren't invited, though.
BAD BOYS II ALL OVER AGAIN!
blusapp989 writes:
"Dear MonkeyNaut”
i completely disagree i kno a lot of critics that dissed bad boy 2 and said it stunk but u r the foolish 1 to believe that. i heard critics saying things like wat u r saying and i hesitated to see the movie. but i have a mind of my own so i tried it out and the movie was the best this summer. definitely a highlight of the summer. u can have ur opinion and I accept it but all IM saying is I enjoyed it and I think u should forget wat the critics said and c it again. IM not saying u gotta waste ur money again IM saying download it on kazaa, sneak in watever. just c it again wit a clear mind maybe u might get it. and this will b the 3rd time ima say this. Some white people just wont get the jokes. its urban humor IM not tryin to be racist so no death threats plz. jus statin facts.....
(MonkeyNaut note: All spelling is as submitted.)

MonkeyNaut responds:
Dear blusapp989,
Thanks for your message. Like you, I don't really rely on the critics to make up my mind. I'd rather go to movies.  I actually saw a few decent reviews for BBII, though. 

As you mentioned, I did think the race jokes were a little over the top
(Ref: Extended MonkeyNaut Review of Bad Boys II "Bad Boys II is II Bad" available to AOL Members 7/18/03).  When I say that, I would like to point out that the screen writers (who ARE white) made sure to nail all minorities equally. I applaud them for that.  I am not white.  As a monkey, I understand it takes a great deal of courage for white writers to included plenty of jokes about "Ni%%ers, Spics and Fags". Like you, I like "urban humor" some of my best friends are "urban americans." But if you're gonna tell "urban jokes" MAKE THEM F@$#ING FUNNY!

Anyway my real point is this: take out everything but the explosions, crashes, and shooting and you've got a damned fine half hour that I would be happy to pay for.  Especially if they gave Will Smith a better script. C'mon! Will Smith sitting at home on his couch,is funnier and cooler than they let him be in this movie. 

What else you looking forward to seeing this summer?
OBSCENITY
"JIM" reyjh@:

"Dear MonkeyNaut"
I'm 76 & I watch your show. You & your guests use pissed, crap, ass, suck! This is not professional. Bleep these words in the future. Disgusted

MonkeyNaut responds:
Dear Jim,
Thanks for  writing. While we agree that people who use profanity on a family oriented board DO suck, WE also know that 76 yr olds can’t read, much less surf the internet. You dirty liar! How dare you misrepresent yourself to us? What do you take us for? Fools?  I think NOT.

In any case, thanks much for visiting
www.monkeynaut.com. Please come back and feel free to write about whatever's on your mind.

Love, We at MonkeyNaut
FANDOM
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MonkeyNaut responds:
Um, thanks. We didn't vote for you, did we?
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