A Space Monkey's Guide to the California Governors Race
Currently, there are 115 Candidates on the Ballot for the California Gubernatorial Race.
Who Gets Your Vote?
We at MonkeyNaut have made it easy.
We composed
10 Important Questions
Voters Should Know Before Voting
All Candidates were invited to answer. All answers are genuine and un-edited.
MonkeyNaut does not endorse any one candidate.
However, we encourage full boycott of any candidate too snooty to answer. Screw 'em.
1. California has long been regarded as 'Party State of the US' as Governor what will you do to preserve and strengthen that reputation?
2. Which other state do you hate the most?
3. You’re required to choose five other Gubernatorial candidates to help you jump Schwarzennegger in a dark alley. Which five do you pick?
4. Is it true that California would be better off seceding from the US and renaming itself MovieLand?
5. In your opinion, what’s the stupidest thing our tax dollars subsidize?
6. Truth or Dare?
7. Would you do full frontal if the money your raised could help stimulate the states economy?
8. Do you think a man who committed to “Jingle All the Way” is competent to make the important decisions facing this state?
9. Worst case scenario, you must alienate a one specific, ethnic/political/religious group in order to firm up relations with all others, who do you alienate and why?
10. What makes you so special? Why shouldn’t I just vote for Gallagher?
Occupation Author/Educator
1. Preserves are my preserve. (Arnold has the strength.) As for parties, I'm a Democrat. How's that for the state of parties?
2. There are better things to hate than a state.
3. Monica Lewinsky.
4. That wouldn't change anything.
5. Me.
6. Yes.
7. My full frontal doesn't even stimulate me.
8. (No Response)
9. White males. We never notice it. We put our heads in the sand and hope the bullets will miss.
10. Warren Farrell is easier to spell.
Prev Occupation: Lawyer
1. I promise to hold monthly surfing "_expression sessions" with the Governor with a $500 entry fee, all proceeds going to address the budget deficit. Hey, how many other of the candidates can surf?
2. Baja Oklahoma. Also known as Texas. This question is too easy. Where else did Enron and George Bush originate?
3. Can I clone Cruz B. five times and have him join me? As I’m not quite 5'5", it would be like a scene from Gulliver’s Travels....
4. Nah, most movies are shot on location somewhere else these days].
5. Huge payola to agribusiness in the form of agricultural commodity crop subsidies. Talk about return on investment, 10000% per annum on the campaign contributions expended, at least.
6. Dare. I dare Arnold to paddle out with me on a typical day of big Northern California surf.
7. The full monty? Only if Arnold agrees to join me.
8. Nope.
9. White Republican Wealthy Evangelical Men. Because it would be so easy and they would never vote for me anyway.
10. I’m the only candidate, one, who has worked for all three branches of government AND has surfed all three major world oceans. This makes me the perfect candidate for California: someone who knows all the words to most Beach Boys tunes, can hang ten, and still intelligently govern the state.
Prev Occupation-Retired Businessman
1. Have a new tax form created that would allow for tax rebates on all beer consumed on campus.
2. Hawaii because they have better weather and better surfing.
3. Just one -- Mary Carey -- I hear Arnold appreciates women and she might be able to disctract him long enough for me to get an edge.
4. No, we have enough border problems right now.
5. Higher education - based on our ranking in school test scores.
6. Dare.
7. No, let's leave that for the clearly more qualified candidates.
8. Hey, that's hitting below the belt; I liked that movie!.
9. Neanderthals. I was always pushed around in school.
10. First, we both live in Agoura; second, we are both members of the Academy of Magical Arts (Magic Castle) in Hollywood; third and most importantly, I was first in line to file ...
1. California has long been regarded as 'Party State of the US' as Governor what will you do to preserve and strengthen that reputation?
2. Which other state do you hate the most?
3. You’re required to choose five other Gubernatorial candidates to help you jump Schwarzennegger in a dark alley. Which five do you pick?
4. Is it true that California would be better off seceding from the US and renaming itself MovieLand?
5. In your opinion, what’s the stupidest thing our tax dollars subsidize?
6. Truth or Dare?
7. Would you do full frontal if the money your raised could help stimulate the states economy?
8. Do you think a man who committed to “Jingle All the Way” is competent to make the important decisions facing this state?
9. Worst case scenario, you must alienate a one specific, ethnic/political/religious group in order to firm up relations with all others, who do you alienate and why?
10. What makes you so special? Why shouldn’t I just vote for Gallagher?
1. I am running as a non-partisan candidate because "being governor is no party." I won't party so that my fellow Californians will always be able to enjoy their outdoor freedoms free of fees. In that regard I am the sacrificial party pinata. "Mi dolor es tu dulce, muchachos!"
2. I hate the state of retreat that has taken over our legislature.
3. Tachikaze will singlehandedly take Arnold two out of three in broad daylight inside the sumo ring. I am the middleweight points leader for the 2003 California Sumo Series. My blood runs red, not gray.
4. Only if we get free admission to the Movieland Wax Museum.
5. I don't know. Is this questionnaire subsidized?
6. Trare, as in au contraire, mon frere! ("To speak French really well you must exercise your tongue," Miss Pelieu used to say. Thank you, Miss Pelieu.)
7. Now who would feel stimulated by the sight of me drooling all over myself after a full frontal? Thank you, Nurse Ratchitt.
8. Sorry, I missed that one. I only watch quality films like "Super Troopers" and "Ghost Ship."
9. You used the word "alienate" twice in your question. Obviously you're trying to get me to say I'd alienate the Raeleans. But I'm no clone, clown!
10. Gallagher? He looks like Ron Jeremy, only Ron gets to handle bigger melons! Vote for Kurt E. "Tachikaze" Rightmyer--Leading Middleweight Wrestler of the 2003 California Sumo Series. I'll take on the 800-lb. gorilla of big government.
Prev Occupation-Physician
1. The state does not need my help in maintaining that reputation.
2. I don't hate any states but I'm a little disappointed in Texas for obvious reasons.
3. It would not be a good idea even if all the candidates joined in.
4. Only if Arnold is elected.
5. The list is too long to type.
6. Truth!
7. I'm afraid this would have little effect.
8. No.
9. Republicans
10. I have the education, experience and intelligence to do the job. See my website www.macforgov.com
1. California has long been regarded as 'Party State of the US' as Governor what will you do to preserve and strengthen that reputation?
Absolutely nothing. I think the party attitude and mentality is lazy, uninspiring and completely unmotivating to anyone as far as the moving toward the betterment of this state.
2. Which other state do you hate the most?
There’s only been 15-20 states I’ve been to. Umm, I guess every state can use some improvement.
3. You are required to choose five other Gubernatorial candidates to help you jump Schwarzennegger in a dark alley. Which five do you pick?
Angelyne because she doesn’t allow anyone to look at her or photograph her except from 20 feet away. She would be good in the dark.
Mary Carey because she’s good at jumping on things.
Peter Uberroth because he would probably bring a baseball bat.
Gallagher because I remember from his show there was a character that would stick his head up his butt. Maybe he could shove Arnolds head up his butt. Hmmm. Let me see, I can’t think of anyone else running.
Is Gary Condit running? If he is, I would pick Gary Condit because he would know how to dispose of a body.
4. In your opinion, what’s the stupidest thing our tax dollars subsidize?
I know it’s federal but I would say the Adopt A Highway program. Adopt a Highway? C’mon, I would think we could have enough money to just pay someone to go to the highway and just CUT THE GRASS.
5. Truth or Dare?
Truth.
6. Would you do full frontal if the money your raised could help stimulate the states economy?
No.
7. Do you think a man who committed to "Jingle All the Way" is competent to make the important decisions facing this state?
You can’t hang that on him. That was contractual obligation. I believe anyone who successfully orchestrates and completes his Own rise to fame, is competent to make important decisions.
8. Worst case scenario, you must alienate a one specific, ethnic/political/religious group in order to firm up relations with all others, who do you alienate and why?
In this day and age, I would say the Catholic church. I would tell everyone to run far and fast from the Catholic Church. Besides, there’s enough people of Jewish, and other Christian faiths to make up for it.
9. What makes you so special? Why should I just vote for Gallagher?
That’s tough because Gallagher and I are both for the common man. I’m going to fight for the guy who’s making $24,000 a year. That is my core belief. I’m for that guy keeping more of his money. I won’t be balancing the budget on his back. I’m for reducing that guys tax burden.
10. You’ve mentioned in interviews that you probably wouldn’t vote for yourself in this election, where would you like to see Gary Coleman’s votes go?
If I don’t get enough to be a serious contender. I would want my votes to go to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Even though he has political issues and issues within his own camp, I think he has the heart, the passion and the desire to do great things for California. I would vote for him but only if he gets rid of Warren Buffet.
