MonkeyStrology
Yes. I can see the stars.  No. that's not a space monkey joke.  Yes. These are about as accurate as you're going to get.  No. You don't have to pay for it.  Yes, I do handicap certain signs according to how many people of that sign I personally know and don't like. No, that is not fair. What do you expect for free?
                                     For the week of July 19th through July 25th, 2004


PISCES
February 20-March 20
Don’t count your eggs before they’re hatched.   And try to keep your cock out of the henhouse, too. 

ARIES
March 21-April 20
Do something nice for the one you love this week.  You know… buy her some crotch-less panties, or a tube of that new KY warming lube, or a tattoo.  Yeah.  Something along those lines should do the trick.

TAURUS
April 21-May 21
Lonely women may make good lovers… but I’m afraid you’re going to need a restraining order before this week is up. 

GEMINI
May 22-June 21
Get off your ass and get some exercise already.  And no, walking to the fridge to get another beer does NOT count

CANCER
June 22-July 23
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

LEO
July 24-August 23
I’ve never known a Leo who doesn’t crave the spotlight… use your prowess to reinvent “Welcome To The Jungle” at your local Karaoke bar. 

VIRGO
August 24-September 23
The stars tell me you’re going to have a great week.  Of course, next week’s going to blow.  But you’ll have plenty of time to worry about that later.  

LIBRA
September 24-October 23
Here’s a riddle for you… How do you confuse a Libra?
(Click here to find out.)

SCORPIO
October 24-November 22
I see a sexy clothes-on dry-humping session in store for you this week.  Just keep the dangers of carpet burn in mind.    

SAGITTARIUS
November 23-December 21
This week you’ll get a second shot at love when you notice a post on Craigslist in the “missed connections” section.  

CAPRICORN
December 22-January 20
You could use a refresher course in the art of love.  I’d suggest practicing on your pillow. You may feel like an ass, but we all know you’ve done worse.

AQUARIUS
January 21-February 19
Be careful when pulling out of your garage this week in your way to work.  I smell trouble involving a small Latino man, an ice cream cart, and an annoying little bell.  Stop.  Look.  Listen.
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